TV: Horrible Histories

Any of my friendly Twitter followers *waves at you lot jovially* will have maybe seen me blurting out seemingly random lines recently, such as “I’m a fire stopper!”. Please do not be alarmed: I do know the words to The Prodigy’s hit single, so this is not some nerdy cock-up. This is another form of special nerdiness, which is in touch with my childhood in a beautiful way.

Oh yes, I LOVED the Horrible Histories books, and so I was filled with glee when the chaps over at the BBC made a children’s TV series based on Terry Deary’s genius combination of facts and fun. Whilst it’s a little sad that kids are being encouraged back towards the box and away from the books, it’s great that we’re sneaking education into their entertainment, once again. And it’s not just for kids, either – even Ben’s mum (who joined us in watching some HH over Christmas) was amazed to learn how much the Victorians invented.

Arguably, the best thing about HH is its fantastic songs. Oh yes yes yes. Catchy tunes have been forcing facts into our heads for many years, and HH songs are top notch. Some of the favourites in our household include “doing the Pachacuti”, the 4 Georges “Born 2 Rule” and of course….




Oh dear god, hunt it down and you’ll be hooked, I promise. And, just because I love you, here are the lyrics to help you along.




My name is, my name is, my name is – Charles the second!

I love people and the people love me

So much that they restored the English monarchy

I’m part Scottish-French-Italian, a little bit Dane

But one hundred per cent party animal!



Spaniels I adored, named after me too

Like me they were fun with a natty hair-do.

Is today my birthday? I can’t recall

Let’s have a party anyway, because I love a masked ball

All hail – the King – of Bling – let’s sing – bells ring – ding-ding

I’m the King who brought back  partying!

King Charles my daddy lost his throne and kings were banned

They chopped off his head, then Olly Cromwell ruled the land


Old Olly wasn’t jolly, he was glum and he was proud

Would be miserable as sin only ‘sinning’s not allowed’


When Cromwell died the people said ‘Charlie me hearty

‘Get rid of his dull laws, come back, we’d rather party.’

This action’s what they called the Monarchy Restoration

Which naturally was followed by a huge celebration

The King – of Eng-land say – no sin – to sing – or anything.

All say I’m the King who brought back partying

Great London Fire was a whopper

In my reign London city came a cropper

So this King did what was right and proper

Fought the fire, proved I’m more than a bopper

I’m a fire-stopper!


Married Catherine Braganza, she was a love so true

There would never be another, well maybe one or two

Lucy Walter, Nell Gwynn, Moll Davis, Barbara Villiers

You think that’s bad but her name’s not as silly as:

Hortense Manzini

As king I must admit I broke the wedding rules

But who cares when I brought back the crown jewels?

I reinstated Christmas, make-up, sport and even plays

I was the Merry Monarch they were Good Old Days

When said – and done – King Charles – did run – England – for fun

I was the King! Loved by everyone. My song is done.


Party anyone?

Lyrics written by Dave Cohen and music by Richie Webb


4 thoughts on “TV: Horrible Histories

  1. My favourite real-life Charles II quote was the rap-tastic “for it’s merit I should knight it, then it would be Sir-loin”; refering to his royal wang.


  2. I always loved the Murderous Maths books from the same franchise, they taught me things about network theory I didn’t find out at school until A-level further maths.


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